


More Than You Know

by pandaspots



Series: Erejean Week 2015 [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Erejean Week 2015, M/M, Past Eren/Reiner, Trans Male Pregnancy, Transgender Characters, going off hrt, mentally/emotionally abusive partner, non-explicit sexual undertones, trans fetishism, workplace discrimination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-20 19:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3662529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandaspots/pseuds/pandaspots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything comes out in the open.<br/>written for day 4: gender</p>
            </blockquote>





	More Than You Know

**Author's Note:**

> this is mostly a flashback! hence the different tense for like 2k words
> 
> kudos for sugarvoid for figuring this shit out yesterday

Irem always felt she was a weird girl. By the time the early 2000s arrived, she is more than happy to slither into the 'not like other girls' label. She _i_ _s_ not like other girls. Not just in the physical sense. The label actually means something to her besides that weird feminine competition.

She starts buying her clothes in the male department, and it feels good. The clothes weren't meant for her body, but then, neither were the ones in the female department. The shirts feel constricting at the chest, but she doesn't mind. The pants are weird and hang at weird places, but she doesn't mind. It feels right.

Quickly enough, she finds out boys don't mind her stealing their letterman jackets, and that she likes very much when they think this means she wants them to kiss her. And kissing turns to other stuff, and she doesn't like when they linger on her breasts, but doesn't have a better reason than 'I don't like it' to give to them, so she lets them.

She meets a girl online. She says her name is Armin, and that she's a transgender girl. Irem asks her what does 'transgender' means, and Armin patiently explains. At first, she doesn't believe such a thing exists but something in her says that it's real and it's hers for the taking. The more she thinks about it, the better the idea sounds. She looks at her loose pants and her plaid shirt over an X-Men t-shirt, and thinks maybe she's onto something.

Two months later, she asks her mother what she thought about calling her if she were a boy. “Eren”, her mother replies. That night, when Armin comes online, she asks her to call her Eren.

Eren goes about his life as usual. Tying up his hair, putting on clothes, going to school, occasionally letting other people take off his clothes. But the people calling him 'Irem' are starting to grate on his nerves, specially this nerd named Jean. Jean still hasn't lost all his baby fat, and has lots of zits (nature couldn't be as generous as it has been to Eren to everyone), even though he uses those cleansing soaps everyday, and he is a pain in the ass.

They have fistfights on the daily, and their mothers tell them to stop it, they're nearly adults. One day, Eren asks Jean what's his problem with him. Jean blushes, but tells him that 'she's' the joke of the school, being so slutty, and that none of the boys think 'she's' just good for a fuck, not for dating, and he cares because they used to be friends. And it's true. It's all true and he tells Armin that, and she tells him not to worry about it.

“Why don't you focus on studying and getting good grades? This way we can get into the same university, far away from the people who know us.” She suggests, and it makes sense. His grades aren't the worst, but they still need improvement.

Jean invites him to be his date to prom. His zits are clearing up and he actually looks kinda cute, blushing like mad. He accepts. His mother is so happy she makes appointments with the hairdresser, talks to Eren about what kind of make up would fit him better, dress lengths, and it's stressing.

It's stressing because he feels like he's lying to his mother all the time by keeping in the closet, but he can't tell her. He doesn't like it when she's disappointed in him.

He wears a short red dress for prom, but doesn't commit as far as wearing high heels. Jean looks slick in his tux, and Eren feels hot under the collar. When he puts his hand on his waist, Eren actually blushes. Jean acts so cute and funny, he thinks this maybe was a good decision. Then Jean kisses him and they end up in Jean's bedroom, clothes on the ground, and Eren never felt more used. He ignores Jean for the remainder of the school year.

He gets into the same university as Armin. They share pictures of their acceptance letters and yell at each other about their respective majors. Armin wants to be a marine biologist and Eren wants to be a geologist. They dream of being the biggest names in their area.

The very day his parents take him to the dorms, he comes out to them. It's scary and nerve wracking, and they don't know what to do, but then, neither does Eren. He just drops it on their laps while they're preparing to leave and runs to his room.

He shares a room with a girl called Sasha. She's also from Boston and she wants to be a nutritionist. She's nice, and open minded, but Eren finds it strange to share a room with a girl. It's his own fault, he tells himself, and Armin agrees.

“You could've told the administration. Though I only got permission because I pass.”

They end up agreeing that there's nothing Eren could've done.

A month later, he gets an email from his parents.

“ _Dear son,_

_We're not mad at you. We love you. Please understand we'll always want the best for you, because you are still our child. Dad says he'll still pay for college. He also wants you to know that you shouldn't hesitate to ask for anything you need. Don't think you're replacing something in our hearts;_ _there never was something to replace. You'll always fill up the Irem-shaped space in us (it's Eren, now?)._

_We love you very much,_

_Mom and Dad.”_

He doesn't think he's ever cried that much before. In relief, sadness, happiness, he can't name the feeling. The next day he books an appointment in a salon and cuts his hair short. New life, new hair style. His father calls, saying that if he's coming home for Thanksgiving, he can schedule an appointment with a gender therapist. He accepts and Armin congratulates him in starting his transition. Sasha, wonderful human being she is, congratulates Eren, and says it's not weird to share a room with a boy.

“I gotta get used to it, I mean, my boyfriend is a boy, too.” She jokes.

On Children's day, his parents get him three binders. 'You'll always be our child', the card says.

When Eren's 20, he meets Reiner. Reiner is tall, strong, and doesn't mind that Eren is trans. In fact, he likes it. Says an extra penis is weird, and that he prefers trans guys.

“Plus, trans guys are softer.” He always says, running his hands down Eren's body.

It didn't occur to him Reiner thought of him as a girl, even after he started with T and started gaining more masculine definition to his body.

He finishes college, cringes when they call him by his legal name, but walks to get his diploma all the same. He moves in with Reiner, and feel like life is great. Until his mother falls ill and with the cost of her treatment in sky-high levels, Eren has to stop his HRT. Which is also around the time he starts feeling sick. Every morning, he wakes up and empties his stomach into the toilet. He eats more, too, and Reiner starts complaining he'll get fat.

“I don't want to date a fat guy.” He complains, and Eren tries his best to keep skinny.

But he can't, and he calls Armin about it. Because Armin is smart and she'll have some idea of what's happening.

“You're pregnant.” Is what she says, and Eren balks. He can't be pregnant, that's something that happens to girls. He tells Armin so. “I can't. Get pregnant. I have a dick, and even if I changed it, I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. You were born with the right apparel for it. You've been throwing up, getting cravings and the like. If you wanna be sure, you could buy a test at the dollar store?” She says, and Eren does so.

It's a surreal experience, one that he has not expected ever since he started transitioning. He never expected that one day he'd be asking for a pregnancy test, but here he is, handing over a dollar for a tube.

Which is why he's then sitting on the floor, with both his eyes glued to the two red lines in the test. He calls Armin, because he doesn't know what else to do.

“Two lines.” Is the first thing he says when Armin picks up.

“Told you so.” Is her reply. “So what are you going to do?” She asks.

“I don't know.” And that's Eren's honest answer. He has no idea of what he's going to do now.

“You could abort it, or give it up to adoption.”

“No!”

“The only other option is keeping it.”

He hates when Armin makes sense.

“I just wish I've never gotten pregnant in the first place. I don't know what we did wrong. We wear condoms and all.” He sighs.

“Did you check the expiry dates on them?”

A light goes off in Eren's head, and he runs to check the condoms, saying goodbye hastily to his friend. And Armin, as always, even with all the miles between them, is right. Not only are they expired, they're also stashed in a place where the sun hits every morning.

Eren sighs harder and flops on the bed. He has a little less than nine months to get used to the idea he'll have a child. And he still needs to break it to Reiner.

Turns out, he doesn't need to break it to his boyfriend. Or rather, ex-boyfriend, because Reiner finds the pregnancy test in the bathroom and proceeds to pack his things.

“I thought you liked trans guys?” Eren yells, temper rising. He vaguely remembers Armin mentioning high levels of stress caused abortion risk in mammals, but he is just too angry.

“Yeah, but guys don't get pregnant!” He shoots back.

“Maybe you should've thought of this before you used old condoms!” Eren screams before stomping out of the room and out of the apartment, to get some air. Outside is cold, but he doesn't mind, The cold helps him think. And when he thinks, he calls Armin.

“I think we broke up.”

“It's alright, Eren.”

* * *

“... So yeah, after this, I managed to keep my job, but my manager thought it was too weird, you know? So she fired me. I spent a few months on unemployment, but unemployment doesn't cover anything you need to raise a kid, so after I gave birth I tried getting a job again, but then started the problem of leaving Sevda alone and stuff. So I called Sasha, because I heard she opened a diner, and she said she was actually looking for someone to work the register.” Eren finished, holding his daughter close. She was asleep, and her hair started forming ringlets recently, reminiscent of Eren's own hair. She really barely got anything from her other father.

“Basically, you're the Irem I invited for prom, and then left me hanging? God, I wish you told me what I did wrong, Eren, I spent two years groveling about it!” Jean's eyes widened, whisper-yelling so he wouldn't upset the sleeping child.

“I'm sorry, but like, I had high standards for you.” He whispered back.

“Yeah, I'm sorry for thinking with my dick, too.”

“Uh.” Eren started, careful not to jostle Sevda. “So, now that we're out in the clear, I'll understand if you tell me to fuck off.”

Jean stared at him in shock.

“I get it, I'm a freak, and no one would want to be with a guy who can fucking pop kids--”

“Are you kidding me? I'm totally okay with that. Not with the popping kids part, but I like to think of myself as responsible as fuck, and we'd already have one anyway. I like Sevda, a lot. And I like you, that's gotta count for something.” He babbled, and Eren started to relax. “I don't think my parents will care that Sevda isn't mine, and shit, she's so cute, plus if you're not comfortable with them knowing, we can make up a story, like you did when we met again--”

“Shut up, you're embarrassing yourself.” Eren said, but he was blushing. Jean scooted closer and kissed him, placing one hand carefully on his cheek.

“Besides, someone has to keep little miss summer girl here without the childhood trauma of not knowing how candy cane tastes like. People tease you for that.” Jean commented.

“That was literally fourteen years ago.” Eren retaliated, rolling his eyes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> a point i want to make: in there you can see Eren using sex as a way to try and feel valid. that's literally it. he thinks if he has enough sex with people who think he's a girl the 'boy feels' will go away. it's not a conscious thing but that's what happened.
> 
> kudos and comments for the old beggar <3


End file.
